I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
