Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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