i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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