How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
