he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
