I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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