You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
