I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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