I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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