Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
