Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize