The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
