The best revenge is premature balding
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
