So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm at about main and main street
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
