I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
