You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize