im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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