Even water is tasting like jack daniels
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
