if only i could text you this smell
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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