so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
