apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
