So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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