moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
