Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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