The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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