I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
