Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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