Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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