Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
