Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
