I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
