I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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