I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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