You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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