I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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