In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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