I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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