i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
