Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
