Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
