Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
