a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
