i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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