I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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