1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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