my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
