Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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