If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
