He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
