Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
