Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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