: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
