Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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