what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
