I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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