As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
